Jim wants to give me time off at the end of the year to go to San Diego... NICE OF HIM. That's the high point. The low point... You can read about it.
If people think I'm not myself, multiple people, then maybe I need to lend some weight to those thoughts and dig to see whats up. I know I was defensive to what I perceived as a threat, I'm starting to see that maybe I saw JC as Trish and Adam as me, from years ago. What I did, how I justified it, it nearly killed her, and makes me feel like shit when I think about it to this day. "We're all adults" isn't a release from your obligation as a person to not use other people's feelings to your advantage. When you know someone is in love, like I knew she was, you aren't in the clear just because she can think for herself. It takes 2, and you need to be a better person. Your partner deserves better. You're guilty of being an asshole in my eyes. That same shameful condemnation isn't restricted to other people, it's how I think of myself as well.
Maybe I thought by showing JC that he was like me, I'm that same asshole inside, just far more mature and mostly able to control it now, that maybe I could keep her from feeling like Trish did and eyes would be open wide. I would be making up for the shitty way I treated Trish. Add Jessie and I breaking up, exams at school, missing my family, projects, overseas projects, and an overwhelming feeling that there was massive deception in the air, made me one tempermental SOB. I'm working it out as I write about the last week, so you'll have to pardon the babble. Like I said before, it's a start, and I hope someone notices. If it's not enough, that really becomes tough shit, because what other people think of my self-research means jack. I need to know.
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