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Even my LJ hates me, it ate my first attempt at posting. Here's mostly what I said that I want saved into the record lol.
The 25th. This time 7 years ago it was a Saturday. We had the kids over, and Nan was fighting an infection. She lost the battle and the war that night. I called for Lia to get the kids saying Nanny had about 5 minutes left to live. I was right. She was in full arrest 5 minutes later. It was finally over. After mom made an ass of herself with the police (and I almost hit on of them for pounding on her chest with a flashlight), saying things I thought would get her arrested on suspicion of murder charges, acting half mad actually, I sent her to bed saying I'd handle body removal and cremation. No, I didn't fire up the BBQ, I called a service to come pick her up and take her to be cremated. I see her face now as I did then. It gives me chills. A guy that looked like the Suicide Doctor and his little Mexican assistant (he was about 6'5". She was maybe 5'. It creeped me out. After they almost drop her as they leave, I sat there, on my driveway, for hours staring at the stars. I can't do that tonight like I was hoping to do, it'll be raining. I need a walk I need a drink I need a bullet in the head I don't know what I need I know I'm not in a good place, that's the best you'll get from me today. I relived this 2 years ago and it scared me to the point that I needed to talk to Stace for a while all freaked out... I feel that way, not quite as bad, but it's there, and she's sick so I won't be calling. I'd rather deal with it myself without feeling like I'm pulling someone else down.
Things just seem fairly pointless. There's nothing to wake up and look forward to. It's dreading work, class schedules (at least I didn't take more then 2 classes, but I should've if I want to finish before 2006, oh well!), tests, study, CAP events canceled left and right after lots of planning and work, irritation at the little things right now, not having my house for the past 3 months since we've had a house guest that, just, damn 3 months is too long, not getting back what I'm putting out most of the time, missing my family, not being able to afford visiting them at Thanksgiving, or probably Christmas too, watching bad weather move in, feeling like I'm on the outside and I'm looking in, whats the point? I'm NOT going to Sacramento this weekend. fuck. Scratch another event off my calendar. And I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. So much for losing weight! I'm telling you, chicken strips, great anti-depressant.
It seems so pointless! If I'm so nice, why is it like this? When will I catch a break? It's tiresome. Or maybe I'm just tired. I want to throw my hands up and say I GIVE UP!!! At least if you're in pain you know you're alive. Otherwise it wouldn't hurt. I started to lose it in the ER this weekend as we talked about things, life, regrets. I felt my voice crack as I talked and I was kinda hoping it would go un-noticed. It didn't. I hate showing I'm human, it's so, personal.
On the lighter side, I flew for 2.3 hours yesterday, pretty much finished off my observer rating. I got really high marks for my pilotage and command of the plane and It's nice to get some use out of my flight suit. The way I look like a real fatass is just, pretty! I look like an award winning huge ass green olive. If I were an olive I were pressed, I'd make enough olive oil to feed 1/2 of Italy for a year.
The 25th. This time 7 years ago it was a Saturday. We had the kids over, and Nan was fighting an infection. She lost the battle and the war that night. I called for Lia to get the kids saying Nanny had about 5 minutes left to live. I was right. She was in full arrest 5 minutes later. It was finally over. After mom made an ass of herself with the police (and I almost hit on of them for pounding on her chest with a flashlight), saying things I thought would get her arrested on suspicion of murder charges, acting half mad actually, I sent her to bed saying I'd handle body removal and cremation. No, I didn't fire up the BBQ, I called a service to come pick her up and take her to be cremated. I see her face now as I did then. It gives me chills. A guy that looked like the Suicide Doctor and his little Mexican assistant (he was about 6'5". She was maybe 5'. It creeped me out. After they almost drop her as they leave, I sat there, on my driveway, for hours staring at the stars. I can't do that tonight like I was hoping to do, it'll be raining. I need a walk I need a drink I need a bullet in the head I don't know what I need I know I'm not in a good place, that's the best you'll get from me today. I relived this 2 years ago and it scared me to the point that I needed to talk to Stace for a while all freaked out... I feel that way, not quite as bad, but it's there, and she's sick so I won't be calling. I'd rather deal with it myself without feeling like I'm pulling someone else down.
Things just seem fairly pointless. There's nothing to wake up and look forward to. It's dreading work, class schedules (at least I didn't take more then 2 classes, but I should've if I want to finish before 2006, oh well!), tests, study, CAP events canceled left and right after lots of planning and work, irritation at the little things right now, not having my house for the past 3 months since we've had a house guest that, just, damn 3 months is too long, not getting back what I'm putting out most of the time, missing my family, not being able to afford visiting them at Thanksgiving, or probably Christmas too, watching bad weather move in, feeling like I'm on the outside and I'm looking in, whats the point? I'm NOT going to Sacramento this weekend. fuck. Scratch another event off my calendar. And I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. So much for losing weight! I'm telling you, chicken strips, great anti-depressant.
It seems so pointless! If I'm so nice, why is it like this? When will I catch a break? It's tiresome. Or maybe I'm just tired. I want to throw my hands up and say I GIVE UP!!! At least if you're in pain you know you're alive. Otherwise it wouldn't hurt. I started to lose it in the ER this weekend as we talked about things, life, regrets. I felt my voice crack as I talked and I was kinda hoping it would go un-noticed. It didn't. I hate showing I'm human, it's so, personal.
On the lighter side, I flew for 2.3 hours yesterday, pretty much finished off my observer rating. I got really high marks for my pilotage and command of the plane and It's nice to get some use out of my flight suit. The way I look like a real fatass is just, pretty! I look like an award winning huge ass green olive. If I were an olive I were pressed, I'd make enough olive oil to feed 1/2 of Italy for a year.
