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Random thoughts...
Oct. 30th, 2008 10:34 amIt's so strange... I can't get to sleep before 2:30am most nights (no shock there, especially given the circumstances). Random thoughts just, course through. I'm trying not to think about some people, about work, just get my own thing going on. BUT since that's not working, lets just list for fun some of the thoughts... Here's a whopper for all of you freaks like me!
Bondage/Surrender- It's remarkable how you know someone's not with you or that you don't trust them anymore. There was a time in the past couple months we tried to use the cat-o-nine tails, and I just stopped in the middle of the scene... I didn't feel her there. She really was trying, but she had severed our link when she crossed the line with another man. I released the cuffs, put away the toys, and laid next to her to show her I understand what's happened, but that I love her so much anyway. She was so, all over the place in her heart. I could sense it, that she wasn't there but I also knew she was trying so hard. She was maybe only a little excited, but SO sad, penitent and contrite, wanting to make it all better, trying to re-establish our bond. She couldn't surrender fully, or perhaps I wasn't willing to accept it knowing in my heart what the reality of the situation was. I couldn't accept her, the walls had to come down before I could accept what power in that space she was willing to surrender. It's DEEPLY personal. In the end she brought the CoN back over to me and asked to start again. We did, and the night ended with release, but not the closeness. I miss her SO much. I miss that side of us. I want to share that again.
There are so many sensual, beautiful, rough, soft, painful, loving things left for us, waiting to be explored... I've had so many, scenes and thoughts, in my mind about her over the past years, things I want to share with her, experience... I wanted so bad to tell her about some of my deepest... god LOL. We'll see.
Childhood-
I miss my Grandmother. She kept the family together through divorce, drunkeness, disasters both natural and man made... I want so much to be like her. I'm not having very much success in that department! Perhaps I will later on, or I'm doing all I can and that's all you can do.
I had dreams of, well, I just had dreams. Honestly until I was an adult I never knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be everyone's friend. I wanted to be the guy that would have 100 mourning women at his funeral saying what a good guy I was LOL. I just want to be thought of well by people. My dreams do change except for being loved by my family, that stays the same. I wanted so bad as a kid to have a mom and dad, and when dad left in favor of that jackass Bob, those dreams were shot to hell. I wanted to provide that for the ones I LOVE, and I'm still trying to.
I can remember as a kid my A-1 job would've been... BEING A GARBAGE MAN! I know, strange, but my mom, when I was 5, sent me on a ride along with the trash collector around my block. Real safe that was mom, nice going LOL. I was using HEAVY EQUIPMENT before I was writing my numbers and letters LOL.
I loved my summer of no worries. Sure Nanny accidentally lost my bird by leaving the door on the cage open, but I'm sure little Marty had a happier life in the wild.
I loved swimming all day long. I loved the beach and when Bobbi and Scott tried to introduce me to their world of friends. They were so new, cool, different... But it ended up scaring the shit out of me in the end LOL. Hm, perhaps that's something I should look at more another time. The pot smoking, how strange they acted when they were loaded, perhaps that's a reason I, oh wow yeah I feel uneasy just typing this out thinking about it. Ok, well, nice to know why I'm so out of my zone when it comes to that stuff! From my getting ROLLED by waves at Marine St. Beach, Sea-Doos, to shooting a tommy gun for my birthday at 10, Bobbi and Scott tried to introduce me to a wilder side... I just rejected it because I was afraid of what I didn't know (I smell a common theme here).
My old house. I love my old house. I wanted one just like it with Jen and Ahnna. I still do. With them. We'll see... I know I'm moving back to San Diego eventually... ;)
Bass Guitar-
I want Paul Sloop, Bobbi and Scott's long time friend, to teach me how he friggin rocks that puppy.
Love-
Don't get me started...
Life-
Don't take it for granted. COMMUNICATE. Don't fear if you love them. Reach out.
Dancing-
I longed to dance with her, but I felt like a clumsy fool. Such a beautiful, graceful woman when she dances. I want to dance with her. I'll be addressing that when I get back from Nashville, in case she wants to dance with me later.
Sports-
Did I really lothe my shortcomings that I resorted to sports to feel better? Is that actually a bad thing? I did leave CAP, Jen and I talked at the start of the season that I was going to put CAP on hold to get more exercise in and get healthier. My resting heart rate at season's start was near 100. WOW. Talk about a near death waiting to happen... Now it's 75. Right where it should be. I lost 20 pounds during the season, and another 25 since it's end 4 weeks ago. OK, so the first 20 was the RIGHT way, the last 25 was the WRONG way, but in either case my flight suit fits much better, and I'm better for it. I did get TOO into the softball thing, and at the end of fall ball I took it back many notches. Jen told me that it was much better. I agree. I like it at this new place and level. Although I reserve the right to get into it a lot every once in a while LOL.
SO, these are my thoughts between midnight and 3am, nightly. Sweet dreams friends, when ever you sleep.
Bondage/Surrender- It's remarkable how you know someone's not with you or that you don't trust them anymore. There was a time in the past couple months we tried to use the cat-o-nine tails, and I just stopped in the middle of the scene... I didn't feel her there. She really was trying, but she had severed our link when she crossed the line with another man. I released the cuffs, put away the toys, and laid next to her to show her I understand what's happened, but that I love her so much anyway. She was so, all over the place in her heart. I could sense it, that she wasn't there but I also knew she was trying so hard. She was maybe only a little excited, but SO sad, penitent and contrite, wanting to make it all better, trying to re-establish our bond. She couldn't surrender fully, or perhaps I wasn't willing to accept it knowing in my heart what the reality of the situation was. I couldn't accept her, the walls had to come down before I could accept what power in that space she was willing to surrender. It's DEEPLY personal. In the end she brought the CoN back over to me and asked to start again. We did, and the night ended with release, but not the closeness. I miss her SO much. I miss that side of us. I want to share that again.
There are so many sensual, beautiful, rough, soft, painful, loving things left for us, waiting to be explored... I've had so many, scenes and thoughts, in my mind about her over the past years, things I want to share with her, experience... I wanted so bad to tell her about some of my deepest... god LOL. We'll see.
Childhood-
I miss my Grandmother. She kept the family together through divorce, drunkeness, disasters both natural and man made... I want so much to be like her. I'm not having very much success in that department! Perhaps I will later on, or I'm doing all I can and that's all you can do.
I had dreams of, well, I just had dreams. Honestly until I was an adult I never knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be everyone's friend. I wanted to be the guy that would have 100 mourning women at his funeral saying what a good guy I was LOL. I just want to be thought of well by people. My dreams do change except for being loved by my family, that stays the same. I wanted so bad as a kid to have a mom and dad, and when dad left in favor of that jackass Bob, those dreams were shot to hell. I wanted to provide that for the ones I LOVE, and I'm still trying to.
I can remember as a kid my A-1 job would've been... BEING A GARBAGE MAN! I know, strange, but my mom, when I was 5, sent me on a ride along with the trash collector around my block. Real safe that was mom, nice going LOL. I was using HEAVY EQUIPMENT before I was writing my numbers and letters LOL.
I loved my summer of no worries. Sure Nanny accidentally lost my bird by leaving the door on the cage open, but I'm sure little Marty had a happier life in the wild.
I loved swimming all day long. I loved the beach and when Bobbi and Scott tried to introduce me to their world of friends. They were so new, cool, different... But it ended up scaring the shit out of me in the end LOL. Hm, perhaps that's something I should look at more another time. The pot smoking, how strange they acted when they were loaded, perhaps that's a reason I, oh wow yeah I feel uneasy just typing this out thinking about it. Ok, well, nice to know why I'm so out of my zone when it comes to that stuff! From my getting ROLLED by waves at Marine St. Beach, Sea-Doos, to shooting a tommy gun for my birthday at 10, Bobbi and Scott tried to introduce me to a wilder side... I just rejected it because I was afraid of what I didn't know (I smell a common theme here).
My old house. I love my old house. I wanted one just like it with Jen and Ahnna. I still do. With them. We'll see... I know I'm moving back to San Diego eventually... ;)
Bass Guitar-
I want Paul Sloop, Bobbi and Scott's long time friend, to teach me how he friggin rocks that puppy.
Love-
Don't get me started...
Life-
Don't take it for granted. COMMUNICATE. Don't fear if you love them. Reach out.
Dancing-
I longed to dance with her, but I felt like a clumsy fool. Such a beautiful, graceful woman when she dances. I want to dance with her. I'll be addressing that when I get back from Nashville, in case she wants to dance with me later.
Sports-
Did I really lothe my shortcomings that I resorted to sports to feel better? Is that actually a bad thing? I did leave CAP, Jen and I talked at the start of the season that I was going to put CAP on hold to get more exercise in and get healthier. My resting heart rate at season's start was near 100. WOW. Talk about a near death waiting to happen... Now it's 75. Right where it should be. I lost 20 pounds during the season, and another 25 since it's end 4 weeks ago. OK, so the first 20 was the RIGHT way, the last 25 was the WRONG way, but in either case my flight suit fits much better, and I'm better for it. I did get TOO into the softball thing, and at the end of fall ball I took it back many notches. Jen told me that it was much better. I agree. I like it at this new place and level. Although I reserve the right to get into it a lot every once in a while LOL.
SO, these are my thoughts between midnight and 3am, nightly. Sweet dreams friends, when ever you sleep.
