God damn it

I don't know how to approach it. I know this will be read, I know it'll hurt, but I need to get it out, so just skip this if you don't want to read it.

The end of the night only got worse as I wanted to just fall asleep and friggin die. I was really angry and I don't even think JC has a clue that I'm seriously pissed and hurt. I really busted my ass yesterday to leave work ASAP, make dinner from scratch (even if it was just one of my stupid Atkins dishes) even with a POUNDING headache from stress that decided to be dropped in my lap that night (Jen's online, at least I know she's ok). All I wanted was to say THANK YOU to the two people I adore, and instead I got a bigger pain in my head, and a feeling like I let down one of the very people I wanted to make feel special. At least the food didn't fucking suck.

It's one of those things where you get mad because someone is upset with you for a reason that you can't see. You then get sad, because you think you ruined their night. You feel depressed because you took the time to do something special, and it went unnoticed once the "incident" happened, and you feel pretty fucking worthless and useless. my thoughts by 11PM- "Why bother when you'll find a way to fuck it up Mike?". Then you get upset again because you took time, for me that 1.5 hours was a LOT of time, 1/3 of my free time just to read, prep, cook, and serve dinner to someone that in the end thinks YOU SUCK. I felt really low, hurt, angry, but just depressed in the end. I ruined a good dinner over what, not wanting to play a game?!

I actually felt bad for having slept through my alarm set for 7:40am this morning. I wanted my usual goodbye because, hell, it just starts my day off right. Jess gives me a g'morning, Stace gives me a g'morning, and the day may now begin. I woke up at 8am, the house was empty.
Lets move that sunken feeling to a NEW low. I didn't remember anything so I assumed I slept through it. But I thought that on top of last night, JC might think I didn't get up just to be mean in trade for last night. "Great, now she'll think I'm being a dick, AGAIN". Like I said, move the low point to a record low.

After that, it's a slow shower for an hour, get dressed, mope out the door, get to work, and want NOTHING to do with ANYONE. That didn't last more then 10 seconds, as Jim starts badgering me about an e mail list that's ALREADY sitting out there, waiting to be sent.

*4 hours later*Then I read JC's post, and it makes me feel better, and worse. I won't shit on things like family traditions, or things that are important to you. I'll try to get past my overwhelming fear of singing around people. Just don't expect it overnight. Last week I tried to elude to my fears with the talk we had about "what if you're...", and I never said, "I WON'T DO IT", because I'm going to TRY. Thats the best I can do.

I hate days when my world is outta whack. I hate being at odds emotionally with someone I love. Whether it be with family, Jess, JC, or anyone I really care about, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. All I want is to make things right again. I want to go home and die is how my stomach and head feel, but I'm sure it'll get better when I see JC soon. It always gets better. I'm not quite over last night, but it's going away.