Miserable, DO YOU MIND if I take a minute to gripe and feel sorry for myself?

I try to crack jokes today. It's my defense. Realizations suck. How things are going to turn out, I dunno. I feel SO burned. It's not like I haven't tried, TRIED, and tried again... I'm tired. I'm sick, my throat really hurts, I have to get shots next week for EMT, I have to study for Div. 1 exams, I have to deal with reality and decide how to best proceed, I have to B-day shop, I have to take care and support Jess when I can hardly keep my head up, need to take a mattress to Oakland to be nice, watch football Sunday... Where's Jon, we should fly, I just got paid... No plane, it'll be at the SAREX, just my luck.

I'm skipping training this weekend despite knowing that it'll help in my next rescue. I'm too tired. I can't get that kid out of my mind. Every child his him, and I don't even know little one's name. I still wake up 5 times a night.

My home life is on the way to being very different. I hope she knows no matter what OF COURSE I love her, always. I mean Jesus Christ, what kind of a heartless bastard would I have to be to not love someone that sweet that means so much to me??? It doesn't mean I can live with her, despite the love, because there's no trust. We can call it mutual differences. It can be my fault for not committing to kids/marriage, she can save face. I hope she tells the truth though. Though the above is legit and an issue, the truth is you can only have 3-4 "second" chances before I can't deal with it anymore and last night was one lie too many.

Lying is a habit now, if I understand what was said correctly. What did I do wrong to force this situation? Did I spend too much time with Stace? Not give-in enough? Take too much? Open door policy has been in effect from day one. I just asked for the truth and disclosure. I kept up my end and more then once had to hang my head and fess up to making boo boos. "I fucked up, I made a mistake". But she can't do that. I can't live like that. I won't make her feel less the equal by questioning the things she says to me. I have to take myself out of that situation. I'm all confused over my own thoughts...

I can't live with someone that lies to me. We're equals, and if you burn me over and over again, I won't keep the relationship as-is. It has to change. I don't say end, because damnit I love her! I don't want to end a relationship with her! But I can change it into a very close friendship instead of what it is. I don't want to lose the whole thing. I don't want another Robin to happen... This all sucks and I thought it would get better, honestly. I really didn't think this would happen. Maybe I'll cheer up by this time next year, because this week SUCKS.

I also know now that I can't let someone else lead a call at EMT... The others are STUPID. I was off doing the oxygen tank, while they let the patient suffocate with no airway because they didn't bother checking for breathing long enough to tell that he wasn't breathing... IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. I'm a leader now, I see that. I'll take lead from now on. I lost a little kid this week, I refuse to let even fake patients die when I'm working with them. If the rest of the class can't get the concept of, AIRWAY COMES FIRST, BREATHING SECOND, CIRCULATION THIRD (ABC's), then I'll take command and do my best to do it right.

Point is I'm scattered around in so many places, and it's not stopping. Just, fuck.