(no subject)

You know, maybe I shouldn't be upset. I'm not even upset, just bothered that I had no say in the matter.

A rule that's followed to the letter in this house is no guests without prior consent. When we have guests, we have time limits. We observe them. If we want to extend that, we ask first. This whole weekend has been really taxing, and I had hit the limit, but instead of ending it's continuing. I also feel like I'm not good enough to be there when needed. Why bother trying so hard?

We've had Eric here for 2 weeks now. This was supposed to be the last day. He's not a bad house guest at all, but when you set a time limit I expect it to be followed because I need my living room again eventually if only for my sanity. A 2 BEDROOM APARTMENT ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR A PERSON TO LIVE IN THE COMMON AREA! Well he's still here, and there's no end in sight. Like I said, it's nothing personal, but it's time for our apartment, to be OURS again, not ours plus a guest. It's also very expensive since we're picking up most of the bills (95%).

Marty comes to visit too. For a day, ok. But between the 2 of them it's a fag fest. Can I please un-gay my house now? And I have not a THING against fags, but Jesus it's time to de-fruit the house. I can't stand swishing 24/7!!! Why am I upset that he was here for a day? I'm not. He was here for 2 days... and now it's more like 4 days...

Someone Stace sorta knew in NA died of an OD this weekend. So she asked Marty to stay a couple extra days. I can understand that, but at the same time I wonder when my support became so shitty that a minor or major event now requires many reinforcements. How to say this... crap... When I have someone I know die, I don't call on everyone that I'm close to, to take days off work and be near. I have Stace if I need close support and others I can call and talk to but I'm covered on the home front. But Stace doesn't use me for that kind of support, and I don't fucking know why and it drives me APESHIT trying to figure it out. Am I only good for helping on things like groceries or what someone should wear on a certain day? Am I a compliment machine? I can FEEL a wall emotionally between her and I that just doesn't exist with her and others and I'm trying to figure out how it got there. What did I do wrong? What the hell is a best friend for? Why do I give over everything when the same doesn't come back? Why do I care if it's 100% mutual? What if I'm all wrong about all of this and it's in my head. My gut says there's just not the same closeness she has to people like Marty. Why? How is one replaced by someone that's only around every 2-3 months for a day or 2? There's nothing wrong with wanting more support, but I still feel burned by not being asked if it was ok to put an additional person up for a few more days. WHY does that make me a little upset and irritated?

Went to see Erica (study partner) after she got back from Tahoe, took her my notes I took on her behalf Thursday. Ended up talking more about an impending divorce then anything else. I was worried that the truth of her actions in Tahoe would hit her like a .45 bullet, and I was right. She thought it was a good thing, until she had to look her husband in the eye and say she kissed another guy in Tahoe (there's more to the story, but we'll stop there). The reality set in, and he let her have a full broadside of comments about it. And you know what, it was all deserved because you just cannot cheat and not deserve the anger of the person you hurt, even if you want to end the relationship anyway. So she called crying after Stace and I talked about what was going on with her and her feelings...

I'm going to get overwhelmed. Kathrine's ex is being bad about keeping his word about their son and where he spends his time (joint custody). Erica is heading for divorce. Stace is hurting. Friend OD's and I take care of her and her kids for hours at the hospital and for e brief time even in our own house here. Tom's in trouble with CAP for bashing a plane's nosegear in, lost his insurance because of it. I have work issues. I have school issues. I have CAP issues. I feel needed. I feel like where I want to be needed more I'm not wanted. What a week.

(no subject)

I wish someone was here Friday night. I had NO support and I really didn't want to be alone. Shit happens.

Had an Overdose patient. I was called by Stace when a mutual NA friend called her to say she just took 6 pills, and was starting to feel OD effects. She wouldn't allow a call to 911, but wanted ME to come over. Yeah, an EMT versus an OD. Great. Of course I lept out of here, but there wasn't much I could do. I knew I was here to be used as a relief valve in case she passed out. By that time it would probably be too late. My job was to get her to let me call 911 or take her to the ER in Santa Rosa.

After a call to poison control, I found out the worst effects were the kind that catch you later. Liver failure if a toxic dose was ingested. This just made it more clear that I needed to get her into the ER, but she has twin daughters and she wouldn't call anyone else to come get them. She couldn't face what her family would think if she went into the hospital again with an OD. Crapola. Well, I worked on her for a while, watched her vitals stay stable but they were all over the place compared to normal. I, after outright saying, YES, YOU MIGHT DIE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS IF WE DON'T GO TO THE ER RIGHT NOW, got her to let me take her to the ER. I said I'd watch the kids until she was released. So, I got my EMT garb on, and it was off to the ER. I gave the Triage RN my notes on my friend that I had taken, and she was admitted into the ER for Liquid Charcoal (to neutralize the toxins) and blood chemistry work-up. She had 50% of a toxic dose (Darvocet), which is what she took 11 of that day, 6 at once at 15:00 or so (3pm).

So after 3 hours at the hospital watching kids, driving them all around the Hospital in their dual stroller and up to see if a cardiology RN friend of mine (Kathrine) was on duty that day. My friend was released at 9pm. What a day. After that, I didn't want to be home alone. ANYTHING but home alone. But that's exactly what happened. No ones fault. Stace... I knew she didn't want me to go with her to SF, I could feel it and she confirmed it later on after she was almost to the Mint. Part of me thinks she thought I'd be a drag on the evening. She might have been right about that. I was tired, but I did NOT want to be alone and at the same time didn't want to be a bother. Hey, I even tried to bribe her to stay with me that evening, no luck. Kathrine was too sleepy to grab coffee after the end of the swing shift. Danielle and Sharon were at the Mint too, couldn't reach any squadron pals, no one was answering their phones. I missed Stacey's share at the NA meeting I had been looking forward to, I did a good thing that night, and got rewarded by karma with not a thing lol. I don't look for rewards at all, but you gotta be shitting me! I did get a call from a friend around midnight and that helped but still... you know?

I don't know why I was so bothered by the things that I saw that day be cause I've seen WAY worse. But the kids, thoughts that their mother might be a dead woman walking, trying to give away all the energy I had to bring her up to a positive attitude, the sadness at seeing those 2 cute ass kids and knowing their mom might be on the way to dying if it caused liver failure, how crappy their lives would be, how they didn't deserve that, FUCK.

So yeah, that was my Friday night that I didn't write about, but it's bothering me even now at 3am on Monday morning. I'm giving away my support to lots of people, but I'm really running low on my own energy!!

On top of that, just read my last entry. Now you're up to date on my complete weekend INCLUDING Friday.

(no subject)

OH YEAH, went shooting this weekend to blow off stress/steam Saturday morning. Best grouping at 40 feet ever so far... 4 bulls-eyes, Five 9's, and one 8. I basically blew my targets heart out. I put 10 more shots in the head too. 7 between the eyes, and 3 into the left temple.

It hangs on my wall now, above the fish tank. Pics later.

(no subject)

For the record, another reason why I want my front room back... I don't want to want a fucking cup of water at night, and run into the 2 of them cornholing each other in my living room at night. Is that too much to ask?