next...

Another day another failure. I don't have anything left. I cannot do anything right when it comes to my dreams. I thank people for their support.

With the next breath I feel like I need to apologize to them for disappointing them once again.

I suggest they place their bets on another horse that's not a loser. I'm going home in a matter of months, maybe 1 year. How many times do I need to be beat up before I figure it out and take a hint. Kaiser just called be back, confirmed that I passed my physical with flying colors. SO, what friggin' requirement do I not meet? I now hold a DMV medical clearance for Commercial Drivers. SO WHATS THE FUCKING ISSUE?

On my way into the office after my newest big let down, I see an ambulance, CHP, 2 engines and a heavy rescue on South Petaluma Blvd, and the REACH chopper circling overhead waiting to land. The Professionals doing their job. It's what we pay them to do with our tax dollars. They're good enough to perform the duties assigned to them. They got the job. They have what I want so badly.

What ever it is, I've failed agin. This is a huge hit, I won't lie. This is just, incredible and painful. I've done everything asked of me, over and over again. I strive forward to achieve training above and beyond, always trying to learn more. I had an ID photo taken, filled out a W4, a formal ap, letters of recommendation, DMV forms, copy of my clean drivers record, copies of my social/DL/license, IC certification, WMD and Decon Operations Certification, WHAT AM I MISSING?!

FUCK, I WENT IN TODAY TO GET THIS DONE AS THE LAST STEP IN THE PROCESS, I PASSED IT EASILY, YET I'M SOMEHOW ELIMINATED, HOW??? WHAT AM I NOT DOING??? AGAIN, WHY CAN'T I USE WHAT I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET AND MAINTAIN??? I'VE GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT YOU NEED TO HAVE AND I CAN'T MOVE FORWARD, WHY???

It's only a silly dream of mine, not important in reality. I can make a fine living doing what I do now. I'm in such a dark place.

Move along people, there's nothing to see here.