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So, what's it all about?
Oct. 13th, 2008 10:35 amTo say that the past week has been gut wrenching would be, without a doubt, an understatement. That's just the way it is.
What it's brought to the forefront of my mind and heart is, "What's really important?" If you're high as a kite, I'm sure you could have a grand time answering that. At it's core, it really is a profound question.
Here comes the sappy part- My answer is love.
I know I know, "Mike, I couldn't help but notice your puss is showing."
So, what makes me tick?
Family. The woman I love and the little girl that is in my heart a daughter now. My Stacey, and a few other friends. CAP used to be important until I felt that it was taking up too much time and family comes first, in addition to the amount of stress it was putting on me when I needed to focus on my job to support my family. It's important, I gave what I could when I could do it, and now I need that time and those resources for the rest of my life.
So, let's assume that you have a serious, serious life question, like, "How do you know whether or not to stay with someone?"
That's huge. In my mind and heart I break it down to the most basic level. Are you in love with them or not? How do you know if you're in love?
If you get warm thinking about what you've done as a couple in the past, if you feel fuzzy when you think of how they treat you and look forward to your next encounter, if you can see having kids with them, if you see a house and garage and building a playhouse for the rugrats, if you feel the passion in the bedroom- or any room for that matter, sometimes in cars and trucks, if you have an unqualified belief in your lover's soul being GOOD and that they're genuine, go after them.
Whether I'm right or wrong, that's how I feel. I believe there is only one incorrect decision, becuase it takes your heart out of the process. Going against what their heart feels in favor of not risking getting hurt, or to protect the other person because you feel you're bad for them. You have to respect someone else's ability to choose what risks to take.
If you can't see me as your lover because you don't feel I desire you-
If you aren't attracted to me-
If you don't smile when you think of our adventures, past and future-
If how I treat you isn't what you know you deserve-
If I'm not willing to work to improve myself-
If you don't want to improve for me-
If I don't make you warm with an embrace-
If I don't contribute at home-
If I'm a bad influence on a child-
If I don't respect you-
If you don't think I'm respectable-
If you can't see and feel that I need you to complete me-
If I'm not what you're looking for-
If you don't love me inside and out, good with the bad-
Then I understand why someone would turn me away. Or, vice-versa, why I wouldn't continue with someone myself.
I'm trying to think of anything else that is a deal breaker, but honestly just about anything else isn't truly important.
We have something beautiful. I did fear it. I did run from it. You stood up and shook me up, pointed me in the right direction and promised me that if I trusted you that you wouldn't try to lead me down the wrong path. You helped me back up and held my hand. It took EVERYTHING I had to do as much as I did, and even then I couldn't talk about a lot of what I did wrong. But I kept growing and got past my fears and laid it all on the line 1 week ago. I didn't know 100% what happened, but over a month ago you took a corrective action knowing it was the only way we'd have a chance. You did good. Twice now I feel I listen and talk and admit mistakes when it's too late. The last time was at the end of a lunch at a little chineese place...
Your kisses right now tell me that you're sorry, and you'd take away all pain if possible (the good news is that'll happen, with time). It also tells me you love me with all your heart.
Your fear tells you to fly away like a bat out of hell. I know... you KNOW I know.
My hand reached out, just like yours was. You don't give yourself enough credit. Remember what you did when it all went sideways? Do you remember what you did to help me when you knew in you heart what I wanted and that I was to afraid to go for it? When I strayed, you told me that this story as you call it, our story, has so many chapters left.
We might still be in just number 1 or 2, out of a whole series of books. We still have soup at the Wharf, San Diego, traveling, beating away Ahnna's boyfriends with sticks, pumpkin carving, egg dying, swimming, body boarding, BBQ-ing, massaging, listening, love making, playing ball, and maybe most importantly everyday knowing there's someone, whether miles away or cuddling in bed that night, that loves you with all they are and would give up everything they have for you.
That's what my heart says. I hope writing helps to keep my mind clear. I'm having so many issues concentrating, that I can't do my job honestly. It is what it is, and it will pass. The pain passed for you, it will pass for me.
I love you.
What it's brought to the forefront of my mind and heart is, "What's really important?" If you're high as a kite, I'm sure you could have a grand time answering that. At it's core, it really is a profound question.
Here comes the sappy part- My answer is love.
I know I know, "Mike, I couldn't help but notice your puss is showing."
So, what makes me tick?
Family. The woman I love and the little girl that is in my heart a daughter now. My Stacey, and a few other friends. CAP used to be important until I felt that it was taking up too much time and family comes first, in addition to the amount of stress it was putting on me when I needed to focus on my job to support my family. It's important, I gave what I could when I could do it, and now I need that time and those resources for the rest of my life.
So, let's assume that you have a serious, serious life question, like, "How do you know whether or not to stay with someone?"
That's huge. In my mind and heart I break it down to the most basic level. Are you in love with them or not? How do you know if you're in love?
If you get warm thinking about what you've done as a couple in the past, if you feel fuzzy when you think of how they treat you and look forward to your next encounter, if you can see having kids with them, if you see a house and garage and building a playhouse for the rugrats, if you feel the passion in the bedroom- or any room for that matter, sometimes in cars and trucks, if you have an unqualified belief in your lover's soul being GOOD and that they're genuine, go after them.
Whether I'm right or wrong, that's how I feel. I believe there is only one incorrect decision, becuase it takes your heart out of the process. Going against what their heart feels in favor of not risking getting hurt, or to protect the other person because you feel you're bad for them. You have to respect someone else's ability to choose what risks to take.
If you can't see me as your lover because you don't feel I desire you-
If you aren't attracted to me-
If you don't smile when you think of our adventures, past and future-
If how I treat you isn't what you know you deserve-
If I'm not willing to work to improve myself-
If you don't want to improve for me-
If I don't make you warm with an embrace-
If I don't contribute at home-
If I'm a bad influence on a child-
If I don't respect you-
If you don't think I'm respectable-
If you can't see and feel that I need you to complete me-
If I'm not what you're looking for-
If you don't love me inside and out, good with the bad-
Then I understand why someone would turn me away. Or, vice-versa, why I wouldn't continue with someone myself.
I'm trying to think of anything else that is a deal breaker, but honestly just about anything else isn't truly important.
We have something beautiful. I did fear it. I did run from it. You stood up and shook me up, pointed me in the right direction and promised me that if I trusted you that you wouldn't try to lead me down the wrong path. You helped me back up and held my hand. It took EVERYTHING I had to do as much as I did, and even then I couldn't talk about a lot of what I did wrong. But I kept growing and got past my fears and laid it all on the line 1 week ago. I didn't know 100% what happened, but over a month ago you took a corrective action knowing it was the only way we'd have a chance. You did good. Twice now I feel I listen and talk and admit mistakes when it's too late. The last time was at the end of a lunch at a little chineese place...
Your kisses right now tell me that you're sorry, and you'd take away all pain if possible (the good news is that'll happen, with time). It also tells me you love me with all your heart.
Your fear tells you to fly away like a bat out of hell. I know... you KNOW I know.
My hand reached out, just like yours was. You don't give yourself enough credit. Remember what you did when it all went sideways? Do you remember what you did to help me when you knew in you heart what I wanted and that I was to afraid to go for it? When I strayed, you told me that this story as you call it, our story, has so many chapters left.
We might still be in just number 1 or 2, out of a whole series of books. We still have soup at the Wharf, San Diego, traveling, beating away Ahnna's boyfriends with sticks, pumpkin carving, egg dying, swimming, body boarding, BBQ-ing, massaging, listening, love making, playing ball, and maybe most importantly everyday knowing there's someone, whether miles away or cuddling in bed that night, that loves you with all they are and would give up everything they have for you.
That's what my heart says. I hope writing helps to keep my mind clear. I'm having so many issues concentrating, that I can't do my job honestly. It is what it is, and it will pass. The pain passed for you, it will pass for me.
I love you.
