A new day

I'd like to say everything is back to normal, well, perhaps in a way it is.

I'm realizing that often times, I'm mixed up. It hurts people. I hurt people. I'm not a nice person. Example, I was upset at myself for grabbing keys that weren't mine a long time ago, and I got mad at her for... no reason really. It was my stupid mistake and I couldn't just admit it. I got mad at her for taking softballs that I thought were supposed to go to me, and I yelled at her in front of people.

Perhaps I deserve to be unhappy and alone given it's taken this long to figure out, or admit, that I don't have all my personal items squared away. ANYONE deserves better from their man. I don't want to be that person anymore.

It took her reaching out to me to figure that out at the end of August, but I didn't GET IT until now. The affair ended at that same time, so to ask me to improve things, to reach out to me, speaks volumes. It says to me "GOD DAMNIT BOY, I CAN'T STAY IF YOU DON'T SHOW ME YOU REALLY CARE AND WANT THIS TOO!"

I've been wrong. I've done you wrong. I say I was wrong.

Since everything came out into the open, we've had the most passion I've felt... maybe ever. Kisses to rival a night in a parking lot of a coffee house. IF, even after everything, after all the truth, the hurt, the relief of finally having everything in the open- If we were still capible of being so passionate, it tells me not to give up. I caused this kind of situation for us a while ago. And we had the 3 best years of my life after it. The best is yet to come.

I've been second guessing what I'm seeing and feeling and how to read it. This is how I feel right now-

Instead of being upset that I'm being blocked 90% emotionally, I should be proud of her for working as hard as she is to not shut me out completely.

It's all a matter of perspective. One day at a time.

I have pimples. It must be my time of the month.

-me

(no subject)

The meeting- It was... hard. To admit to Dan that things aren't good at home is like lifting my hand up and saying, "NO WORRIES BOSS, I'M A FAILURE ALL OVER MY LIFE."

He was supportive but clear that my work is slipping when even I didn't see it.

"I can feel for you, I know this is the worst feeling, first hand. When you're getting hit at home like you are, if you can even call it a home, and work is hitting you because it's suffering too, which explains why we've been feeling you haven't really been in the game for a month or so now, you have a couple paths. Either pick yourself up and out-perform the stress and pain, or, you can take time away and try to recharge to deal with things but you lose ground on the work front, or you can't deal with it and you move on to a new situation when you're ready, and try to start fresh elsewhere. It's a crossroads. I've managed thousands of people, and I can tell you you're at the best company for this to have happened at. BUT, that being said, your work expectations cannot be lowered, the work needs to be done, even in a personal crisis. You're the only employee entrusted to increasing a revenue stream in my business basically single handed. You're benefits are as high as the challenges. It's NOT easy. You need to figure out where you're at and what you want to do, and compare that with what you're willing to do."

That's virtually a word for word what was said. Not all at once, but over a 10 minute period. He also extended the hand to me of employee services, to help me get through this.

That's all i can post right now.