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Reversed my decision...
Nov. 19th, 2008 10:38 amI decided it's ok to date... but I do fear someone having a connection with me when I can't connect with them. It seems dirty or unfair. I just can't engage someone fully, nor do I want to disengage completely. Is this what the term "rebounding" really means? There's one person I LOVE. She separates the physical from emotional quite well, or so she says. I didn't do a good job of that with... anyone. It's not who I am and that's ok. Different strokes...
As Stacey pointed out I've never been HERE before. Truly here. Wanting someone that rejects you. Being in love as someone else casts you aside. I'm not going to fall out of this either. It feels like I've been forsaken. The thought of giving up hope, and maybe, missing by days or weeks or months AGAIN, how can so little time in what should be 60 years of incredible adventures together be so hard to overcome?? How can an unemployed hairy pot head that sits at home all day being a mooch running up the heat and electric bill, be better than being loved by someone without condition? Yes, these questions KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT lol. I just can't get clear of some of these feelings. Other than if shooting low is the aim, congrats. I plan to aim higher from now on. Actually, I should aim lower, too. I was aiming as high as anyone could 5 years ago. I hit the mark, too. Now I should try something more attainable perhaps. Nah, that's BS and I know it. I just needed to get it out of my system.
So, I'm doing self improvement across the board, and trying to figure out the inside stuff, too. I know who I want, I know what I want, where I want it... now if only everything and everyone was on board with it... LOL
One thing that's certain, I think, is that I couldn't have snapped into gear in that environment. Once she crossed that line and I knew it, I felt it, bond was broken, I could never have had the energy to do this. I'll be ready to try relationships again, not too long from now.
OK some creepy guy just walked into the TR... to use the bathroom. What's he doing, building a house in there? Jesus, I don't want to know...
As Stacey pointed out I've never been HERE before. Truly here. Wanting someone that rejects you. Being in love as someone else casts you aside. I'm not going to fall out of this either. It feels like I've been forsaken. The thought of giving up hope, and maybe, missing by days or weeks or months AGAIN, how can so little time in what should be 60 years of incredible adventures together be so hard to overcome?? How can an unemployed hairy pot head that sits at home all day being a mooch running up the heat and electric bill, be better than being loved by someone without condition? Yes, these questions KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT lol. I just can't get clear of some of these feelings. Other than if shooting low is the aim, congrats. I plan to aim higher from now on. Actually, I should aim lower, too. I was aiming as high as anyone could 5 years ago. I hit the mark, too. Now I should try something more attainable perhaps. Nah, that's BS and I know it. I just needed to get it out of my system.
So, I'm doing self improvement across the board, and trying to figure out the inside stuff, too. I know who I want, I know what I want, where I want it... now if only everything and everyone was on board with it... LOL
One thing that's certain, I think, is that I couldn't have snapped into gear in that environment. Once she crossed that line and I knew it, I felt it, bond was broken, I could never have had the energy to do this. I'll be ready to try relationships again, not too long from now.
OK some creepy guy just walked into the TR... to use the bathroom. What's he doing, building a house in there? Jesus, I don't want to know...
