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What's a busy day or 2 look like?
Jan. 20th, 2009 02:05 pmWELLLL...
Going out on Sunday night, seeing a Steeler victory! Superbowl, it's SUPERBOWL time!
I'm going to miss the special Jen Artichoke-Spinach dip. =( The best part about it wasn't just the awesome flavor, it was the fact it was made with love and a smile. That fact was never lost on me which is why when I asked for it, I usually asked like a puppy dog.
BUT I might miss the game anyway with something that's coming up. I love this line... are you ready for it?
I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
I LOVE IT! It's as good as, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Now I need to buy some killer shades so I can look cool and mysterious. It's taken nearly 3 years to actually get on one of these crews and get a firm date that doesn't look like it's going to move. I've been scheduled and scrubbed a couple times. This time looks rock solid well in advance.
I had a date Sunday night as well. I have to admit given recent events I was thinking twice about even going on a date. I'm honestly shaken about how blind I was over a period of years and what I've learned from looking into a mirror, but also that I really don't trust many with anything deep right now. I can't hold things that happen to me against others. I'm looking forward in a big way to trying a new relationship on level ground.
I do want balance. I don't want to use someone. I became so accustom to someone giving and giving and sometimes looking for me to take for validation, I was SO DRUNK on that power... I like being the caretaker. I realized that 100% for sure a couple weeks ago. BALANCE. I need to find someone I can learn balance with. Maybe Anna can help me find it? AND WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD WOMEN ITALIAN? It's the eyes...
Her eyes made me feel, nervous. Again I don't know how much was my own fear about screwing up a relationship as I feel and know I did with Jennifer, or if it was all her gorgeous brown eyes and that smile that could melt steel. She's beautiful and I'm mediocre at best, so perhaps I'll get lucky twice and have a relationship with someone WAY better looking than me, again? Hey, I AM working on it at the gym damnit, but I'm a work in progress!! 6 months before I'm a size, what, 40? We're gettin' there, but will she have the patience? Will the e-mail I sent saying hello and asking permission to call tonight be answered, or will it fall on deaf ears, or straight out rejection? My money is on #3. I don't think I've earned the karma yet.
I spent Sunday night with Lindsay in the city chilling at her place. My housemate asked me for a private day at home so a "friend" could come over... I was really looking forward to a chill day, so I went to the city. Lindsay has been feeling horrible lately. We chilled briefly before lights out, and then she informed me she was working Monday. Damn, I had thought we'd have a day to tour the city! No worries, I actually parked my ass at Grind on Polk for hours on end drinking coffee, having a couple of my favorite danishes, watching Dogfights season 2 on DVD (THANK YOU STACEY!), doing squadron work, and work-work.
Then at 4:09p (hat's 0009 zulu for my geek friends), a call for a mission in Stockton came out. I accept after debating it for a few, ask my squadron CO to get the plane ready for launch, and try to find a crew in Stockton for a ground search. After I depart the coffee house, I get to Gnoss at 1740. It wasn't long before a computer snafu caused a launch delay. Also, the aircraft observer was delayed by traffic, so I made the call to switch Incident Command to someone else so I could toss on my flightsuit and get that aircraft airborne ASAP. By the time all was said and done, we were on the way by 1815 toward Stockton.
After finally picking up a weak signal RIGHT ON TOP of Stockton airport, we started to get confusing readings. Needles jumping all over the place. different on-field hotspots as we descended and scanned the field. The ground team reported having located the signal to the south. We thought it was on the north. The very wise Col. Peterson insisted we make 500 foot passes over the runway to help... but again we had confusing readings and were asked to land to assist.
We get on the ground, and before we turn off the engine, "CapFlight 404, Ground Team 1, ELT secured by owner on the south end of the field." Ok we're thinking in the plane, we'll get outta here... As we taxi back to the main runway, we hear an ELT. Obviously we were confused as hell and called them to verify- "GT1, CAPF404... We're hearing it NOW, are you sure you've shut it down?" "Affirm 404, we shut it down... maybe there's another active beacon??!!" That wasn't the half of it...
We get clearance to taxi back to the tower. We get out of our cozy, WARM plane. We start freezing our butts off. We meet the ground team and start our ground canvas... and as I walk I detect the signal, start walking to the north... and I hear a second signal break through the first. Is the class paying attention? That's not one, not 2, but 3 active ELT's on the same field. An ELT hat-trick in one night at the same airport. We secured 2 beacons in the end, and the 3rd was pinned to a hanger and is being researched this afternoon by the local FBO staff.
We took off, got back to Gnoss, I logged about an hour of time since I had a CFI sitting with me. My first entry in my new book, YAY! I got home at 0100. I fell asleep in my car until 2am, then got up and went to bed.
Now it's a work day, and things are jumping... A busy couple days.
So, what's the catch? Where is karma catching up to me? The catch is I want to go to Ahnna's birthday or at least maintain contact with her, and Jen will say no. I'm so afraid of the answer that 3 times I've tried to write and call, and 3 times I've been unable to dial or complete an email to her. We both were shitty to each other sometimes. What would I cash in some earned karma points for? A time where we can be face to face and give mutual forgiveness for EVERYTHING that wasn't right, and a genuine offer of friendship WITH the stones to back it up and follow-through.
Jennifer is someone I wanted to spend forever with. Of course I want the friendship and of course I will love her until the day I die. I'm ok with that, and I won't ever lie about that. I don't want her to feel any more pain about what happened, no more guilt. I deserved to feel what I've felt for the years that I didn't do all I could. And at the end for my REAL MATURE PAYBACK... I never wanted to hurt her and I knew if she ever found out what I did instead of confronting her, that it would hurt her badly... That's a reason I wished it had been a fact left to die over time. The other reason, completely selfish. I didn't want to be known for the ass I was, for what I did. I didn't want my mistake known, to have my retarded actions be front page news. Selfish me, to the end.
That part of my life MUST be in the past. I cannot live like that anymore, and I choose not to. I'm not perfect but I HAVE to be in this part of my life going forward. I cannot and will not put anyone I love through this pain, I will NOT take them for granted, I will NOT let them give up all the power, I WILL find balance with my love. I do want them to be exactly who they want to be.
Going out on Sunday night, seeing a Steeler victory! Superbowl, it's SUPERBOWL time!
I'm going to miss the special Jen Artichoke-Spinach dip. =( The best part about it wasn't just the awesome flavor, it was the fact it was made with love and a smile. That fact was never lost on me which is why when I asked for it, I usually asked like a puppy dog.
BUT I might miss the game anyway with something that's coming up. I love this line... are you ready for it?
I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
I LOVE IT! It's as good as, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Now I need to buy some killer shades so I can look cool and mysterious. It's taken nearly 3 years to actually get on one of these crews and get a firm date that doesn't look like it's going to move. I've been scheduled and scrubbed a couple times. This time looks rock solid well in advance.
I had a date Sunday night as well. I have to admit given recent events I was thinking twice about even going on a date. I'm honestly shaken about how blind I was over a period of years and what I've learned from looking into a mirror, but also that I really don't trust many with anything deep right now. I can't hold things that happen to me against others. I'm looking forward in a big way to trying a new relationship on level ground.
I do want balance. I don't want to use someone. I became so accustom to someone giving and giving and sometimes looking for me to take for validation, I was SO DRUNK on that power... I like being the caretaker. I realized that 100% for sure a couple weeks ago. BALANCE. I need to find someone I can learn balance with. Maybe Anna can help me find it? AND WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD WOMEN ITALIAN? It's the eyes...
Her eyes made me feel, nervous. Again I don't know how much was my own fear about screwing up a relationship as I feel and know I did with Jennifer, or if it was all her gorgeous brown eyes and that smile that could melt steel. She's beautiful and I'm mediocre at best, so perhaps I'll get lucky twice and have a relationship with someone WAY better looking than me, again? Hey, I AM working on it at the gym damnit, but I'm a work in progress!! 6 months before I'm a size, what, 40? We're gettin' there, but will she have the patience? Will the e-mail I sent saying hello and asking permission to call tonight be answered, or will it fall on deaf ears, or straight out rejection? My money is on #3. I don't think I've earned the karma yet.
I spent Sunday night with Lindsay in the city chilling at her place. My housemate asked me for a private day at home so a "friend" could come over... I was really looking forward to a chill day, so I went to the city. Lindsay has been feeling horrible lately. We chilled briefly before lights out, and then she informed me she was working Monday. Damn, I had thought we'd have a day to tour the city! No worries, I actually parked my ass at Grind on Polk for hours on end drinking coffee, having a couple of my favorite danishes, watching Dogfights season 2 on DVD (THANK YOU STACEY!), doing squadron work, and work-work.
Then at 4:09p (hat's 0009 zulu for my geek friends), a call for a mission in Stockton came out. I accept after debating it for a few, ask my squadron CO to get the plane ready for launch, and try to find a crew in Stockton for a ground search. After I depart the coffee house, I get to Gnoss at 1740. It wasn't long before a computer snafu caused a launch delay. Also, the aircraft observer was delayed by traffic, so I made the call to switch Incident Command to someone else so I could toss on my flightsuit and get that aircraft airborne ASAP. By the time all was said and done, we were on the way by 1815 toward Stockton.
After finally picking up a weak signal RIGHT ON TOP of Stockton airport, we started to get confusing readings. Needles jumping all over the place. different on-field hotspots as we descended and scanned the field. The ground team reported having located the signal to the south. We thought it was on the north. The very wise Col. Peterson insisted we make 500 foot passes over the runway to help... but again we had confusing readings and were asked to land to assist.
We get on the ground, and before we turn off the engine, "CapFlight 404, Ground Team 1, ELT secured by owner on the south end of the field." Ok we're thinking in the plane, we'll get outta here... As we taxi back to the main runway, we hear an ELT. Obviously we were confused as hell and called them to verify- "GT1, CAPF404... We're hearing it NOW, are you sure you've shut it down?" "Affirm 404, we shut it down... maybe there's another active beacon??!!" That wasn't the half of it...
We get clearance to taxi back to the tower. We get out of our cozy, WARM plane. We start freezing our butts off. We meet the ground team and start our ground canvas... and as I walk I detect the signal, start walking to the north... and I hear a second signal break through the first. Is the class paying attention? That's not one, not 2, but 3 active ELT's on the same field. An ELT hat-trick in one night at the same airport. We secured 2 beacons in the end, and the 3rd was pinned to a hanger and is being researched this afternoon by the local FBO staff.
We took off, got back to Gnoss, I logged about an hour of time since I had a CFI sitting with me. My first entry in my new book, YAY! I got home at 0100. I fell asleep in my car until 2am, then got up and went to bed.
Now it's a work day, and things are jumping... A busy couple days.
So, what's the catch? Where is karma catching up to me? The catch is I want to go to Ahnna's birthday or at least maintain contact with her, and Jen will say no. I'm so afraid of the answer that 3 times I've tried to write and call, and 3 times I've been unable to dial or complete an email to her. We both were shitty to each other sometimes. What would I cash in some earned karma points for? A time where we can be face to face and give mutual forgiveness for EVERYTHING that wasn't right, and a genuine offer of friendship WITH the stones to back it up and follow-through.
Jennifer is someone I wanted to spend forever with. Of course I want the friendship and of course I will love her until the day I die. I'm ok with that, and I won't ever lie about that. I don't want her to feel any more pain about what happened, no more guilt. I deserved to feel what I've felt for the years that I didn't do all I could. And at the end for my REAL MATURE PAYBACK... I never wanted to hurt her and I knew if she ever found out what I did instead of confronting her, that it would hurt her badly... That's a reason I wished it had been a fact left to die over time. The other reason, completely selfish. I didn't want to be known for the ass I was, for what I did. I didn't want my mistake known, to have my retarded actions be front page news. Selfish me, to the end.
That part of my life MUST be in the past. I cannot live like that anymore, and I choose not to. I'm not perfect but I HAVE to be in this part of my life going forward. I cannot and will not put anyone I love through this pain, I will NOT take them for granted, I will NOT let them give up all the power, I WILL find balance with my love. I do want them to be exactly who they want to be.
