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Well, what should I think or say?
Dec. 20th, 2004 01:02 pmI'm kinda heartbroken. I mean, I started to really, really let Katherine in and DAMN I LIKED HER. Now, it should be known that being basically a fuck buddy can suck, but it was more then that. At least it was to me. OH MY GOD I hurt, 2 days after we have a GREAT goodbye lunch, laughter, agree we totally want to know each other, we traded e mails Sunday/today, but I miss her. Seeing her words, "have a great week", translation, "talk to me maybe once a week, if even that much". IT HURTS LIKE HELL. But it's ok. See what I get for listening to RDD?
It ended in a matter of 12 hours. She met someone that in a day she had more of an emotional connection with then in the 4 months we saw each other. I can't compete with that.
Some background... I usually don't go into personal stuff, as in romantic stuff, online. It's just, it seems to make the gossip circuit so I keep it to myself. Well here's what I'm willing to give. Jen is someone who's just plain awesome. I had a thing for her before I had a thing for Katherine. It didn't go how I wanted it to, or how Jennifer wanted it to either. We didn't do anything wrong really, we just didn't make the choices that would've led to the best path... Then she met someone, and backed away while I started to get closer, I had no idea she was seeing someone... Long story short, she moved in with him, I was pretty hurt. SO, I decided to think about full throttle emotionally with Katherine. She's also a good mom, she's a nurse, has lots of goals, no drama, no bullshit, loved time with me, smiled a lot, really, REALLY smart woman, a little aloof but opening up to me, awesome. The kind of person I thought I'd have a shot at a really great relationship with because we mixed so damn well in every way. I liked talking shop (medicine) and not having to translate into english. I liked learning her patient care tricks, and giving away some of my own. I liked her, I knew not to get that close but I thought her feelings might change.
It needs to be said that I knew going into it that it was no strings attached, no commitment, we'd tell each other if there was anyone else coming into the picture. We both did that, we were true to our words, I respect her 100%, she's a caring, honest person. I'm better off now, she was good for me. But it hurts a lot.
I gave up on Jennifer, and saw a chance with a really wonderful woman in Kathy, but she didn't see that in return. Why would she? Why would I get what I focus on? I'm really becoming defensive. If I'm not careful I'll go into hermit mode.
Being with Jen wouldn't be taking my second option or settling in any way, in case she reads this and lets her fear or insecurity take it there. I'm just dealing with the fact that I went after something AGAIN, and failed again. For quite a while I started to see a future that would've been happy, fun, I started to dream again after I got shot down... So it's hard to let go. I set my heart on it more then I realized.
I want to wall off, have everyone get the hell away from me, which is the WORST thing I can do to myself and Jen, and others I care about. Especially at Christmas time. If you read this Jen, don't comment here, you can always talk to me one on one. It's not a public thing to me! =)
It ended in a matter of 12 hours. She met someone that in a day she had more of an emotional connection with then in the 4 months we saw each other. I can't compete with that.
Some background... I usually don't go into personal stuff, as in romantic stuff, online. It's just, it seems to make the gossip circuit so I keep it to myself. Well here's what I'm willing to give. Jen is someone who's just plain awesome. I had a thing for her before I had a thing for Katherine. It didn't go how I wanted it to, or how Jennifer wanted it to either. We didn't do anything wrong really, we just didn't make the choices that would've led to the best path... Then she met someone, and backed away while I started to get closer, I had no idea she was seeing someone... Long story short, she moved in with him, I was pretty hurt. SO, I decided to think about full throttle emotionally with Katherine. She's also a good mom, she's a nurse, has lots of goals, no drama, no bullshit, loved time with me, smiled a lot, really, REALLY smart woman, a little aloof but opening up to me, awesome. The kind of person I thought I'd have a shot at a really great relationship with because we mixed so damn well in every way. I liked talking shop (medicine) and not having to translate into english. I liked learning her patient care tricks, and giving away some of my own. I liked her, I knew not to get that close but I thought her feelings might change.
It needs to be said that I knew going into it that it was no strings attached, no commitment, we'd tell each other if there was anyone else coming into the picture. We both did that, we were true to our words, I respect her 100%, she's a caring, honest person. I'm better off now, she was good for me. But it hurts a lot.
I gave up on Jennifer, and saw a chance with a really wonderful woman in Kathy, but she didn't see that in return. Why would she? Why would I get what I focus on? I'm really becoming defensive. If I'm not careful I'll go into hermit mode.
Being with Jen wouldn't be taking my second option or settling in any way, in case she reads this and lets her fear or insecurity take it there. I'm just dealing with the fact that I went after something AGAIN, and failed again. For quite a while I started to see a future that would've been happy, fun, I started to dream again after I got shot down... So it's hard to let go. I set my heart on it more then I realized.
I want to wall off, have everyone get the hell away from me, which is the WORST thing I can do to myself and Jen, and others I care about. Especially at Christmas time. If you read this Jen, don't comment here, you can always talk to me one on one. It's not a public thing to me! =)
